Petrus’ Story
A Journey from Grieving to Joy
This is a story of God’s grace and love for us. It is a demonstration of the fruit of submission, obedience and sacrifice to a loving Father that understands a shredded heart, because He saw His Son on the cross giving His life for us. This includes not only our sins, but also our broken hearts. He will always be my healer. Everyone will have a unique story, but I trust that this will be a story of hope and encouragement to you in your circumstances.
The Loss
Having lost my wife (Erika) after 34 years of marriage and a 6-year battle with cancer on 20 December 2022, not only did I lose my wife and best friend, but my children and their families lost their mother. My heart was shredded. There was absolutely nothing left in me. In the weeks and months that followed, I never asked God the question “but why?”.
I once read, “When we seek God's heart and turn to Him with our questions, we do so for one of two reasons: to understand and submit or to disagree and rebel. When we ask in a way to lift up our heart, we begin a journey to seek to understand how best to submit to God's will. When we ask in a way that raises a fist to disagree, we begin a journey of bitterness that will add many more heartaches and losses to our life.”
I rested in the knowledge that He was covering me and that I am not alone. I understood something of His sovereignty that He displayed to me in that season, and that was such a great comfort. Just as I knew He was after my heart, I knew and desired to find more of His heart.
The Duration and Depth of Grief
I never understood grieving and somehow did not want to become academically analytical with the process. In actual fact, I never read up on the subject. I knew instinctively that the answers to my questions will be found at the feet of Jesus. Just like John, I want to rest my head against His chest to hear His heart. That became my posture from the outset. I asked God to always be in control of the grieving process, as I knew I will be the one that will deviate from His plan. I understood that the grieving process duration and detail is unique to each person. All I wanted was to get it behind me in the shortest possible time. I knew that the definition of time is dictated by my willingness to surrender and allow God to be in complete control of the grieving and healing process. The moment I interfere with His direction and workings in me; the clock stops until I hand the process back to Him. I requested of Him only one thing - to make it as short as possible, given what His definition of time for my life will be. It was not easy, but I knew it was the answer. In the process I asked God the question: will I ever be able to love again?
All I could do was surrender and listen. I spent time in devotions daily at 4:30 in the morning. By 5:00am I will be walking the streets with my dogs, doing what I called “walking and talking with God”. There were times where I poured out my heart, times of listening, times of silence. I listened to various podcasts and worked through so many devotional studies. That is all I could do. I had nothing in me. I saw the ripped flesh of my heart. It was a time of posturing my heart. I understood that love and grief cannot be separated. Therefore, I grieved so deeply because I loved so deeply.
I started to experience a few names of God: Rum Rosh: The One Who Lifts My Head, Elohim Shama: The God Who Hears, Jehovah Uzzi: The Lord My Strength, Elohim Qarob: God is Near and Shub Nephesh: The Renewer of Life.
For me it felt like survival. All I could do was to ensure I put myself in a position where I can receive, whether it is devotions in the morning, attending celebration services, worshipping, attending prayer meetings, community group and worship nights. Anything that can help to mend a shredded heart.
The two books that impacted my grieving and restoration process are titled “A Grief Observed” by CS Lewis, and “God is Matchmaker” by Derek Prince. It journeyed through personal grief, but through hope and a future as well. And that gave me hope – hope that was fading in my life.
Hope that I could no longer see. Hope that I knew only God can bring to life.
The grieving process was filled with multitudes of “letting go” vs. “holding on” moments. It was a constant evaluation of every single aspect of my life: what I do, what I don’t do, what I think, what I believe, what I allow, what I reject. The only filter that I could apply was God’s Word and listening to His voice. That became and remained my guiding light.
Finding Joy
In October 2023, two prophetic people in the church spoke to me on the same day, indicating that God has prepared a wife for me. Though my heart was still shredded and to me it did not make sense at all, I received the word because I knew how accurately they hear from God.
I could not understand how grieving can turn into joy. My heart was still too broken to understand. The joy of life was taken away. I just existed.
In early February 2024 I asked God, “when will I be able to love again?” During that week, I slumped into a very deep and dark space. It went to a point where I asked God, “please take this cup away from me”.
On Sunday 18 February 2024 in church, I was there to worship and praise God. It was all that was left in me. Dan asked for people who wanted prayer to raise their hands – I did and a few people laid hands on me. As I left the room after the service, a lady put her hand gently on my shoulder and asked, “are you OK Petrus?” Given the mind space that I was in, I thought I would show her a very small piece of my heart. Thinking to myself “if she responds well, it is all good. If she does not respond well, I will write it (and her) off and move on with my life”. So, I gave her the unfiltered and raw response by saying “No”. I locked eyes with her eyes as if to say, “I showed you my heart and gave you a response to your question, now it is your turn”. She was not expecting such a response but did respond in a very honourable way.
I received a kind message from her on the Monday to which I responded. On Tuesday morning, we exchanged a few messages, and I knew very deep in my heart that I had met my future wife. That week, a veil was lifted that God has kept over both our lives. We were both able to express love again. I immediately realised that the difference between the two questions (will I ever be able to love again, and when will I ever be able to love again), can be summarised in the word ‘restoration’. There was sufficient restoration in my heart to love someone again. I just did not know it.
Based on work demands and overseas travel, we could not see each other for two weeks. The only form of communication was via WhatsApp. The time for mourning was over, true to God’s Word. Very quickly it became clear that this is more than just friendship. Words that came out were words never spoken before. The depth of emotion was articulated at a completely different level. What happened during the restoration process is not known until the veil is lifted. God works in the depths of our hearts and restores us when we cannot see it happening. His work in us never stops.
After two months, Sonnette and I got engaged. One month later we were married. We are grateful for the shared joy by so many friends and family, but we also acknowledge that for some it was difficult. To those we always afforded the grace, time and space required.
There are things in life we will never fully understand…but all I knew was that I grieved so deeply because I loved so deeply, and allowing God to be in control of the restoration process – which resulted in me to love so deeply because I grieved so deeply. It is the story of living a surrendered life.
The love we have for each other is a love expressed deeply, unfiltered, unapologetically and simply.
It was evident during the entire restoration journey that God is in control, His outstretched arms are always there, He is the healer, and He is ultimately the perfect matchmaker.
